Part 2: Advice and Techniques for Understanding and Coping with the Narcissist in Your Life

Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT contributed to Mind Body Green’s article, “How to Deal with the Narcissist in your Life, According to Experts,” originally published on October 20th, 2024. Below is Sloan’s content and article summary.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder often follows a predictable trajectory in relationships.  However, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the experience can feel a lot like emotional vertigo due to their always pulling you into their delusion or point of view.  Narcissists generally view their partner as their thing, something to be used for their benefit.  Love often gets exchanged with power and control, when you’re in a narcissistic relationship; this is why over time, the narcissistic partner begins to isolate you from your friends and family.  The narcissist wants to be the only influence in your life.

In the very beginning of a narcissistic relationship, it often feels like a dream come true.  Many people believe they’ve met their soul mate.  Oftentimes, this is because the narcissist believes it with such conviction, you begin to believe it, too.  This initial stage in the relationship is referred to as the “love bombing” stage.  Here, the narcissist often reflects your image back to you, allowing you to essentially fall in love with the qualities you care most about your self.

Once you’ve fallen in love with the narcissist, that’s when things begin to change.  Narcissists aren’t able to keep up with the demands of a real relationship, so that’s usually when the devaluation process begins.  Narcissists often pick partners who have everything they don’t.  Usually their partners are hyper-empathetic, intelligent, fun, and well loved by others.  Subconsciously, the narcissist hopes to gain these qualities through partnership for themselves; so when that doesn’t occur, they begin to pick apart the very qualities they loved in the beginning.  For instance, if you were the life of the party, the narcissist might begin to complain that you’re “too loud,” or they might turn a compliment into an insult, “you have too many friends.”

During the devaluation stage, the narcissist will try to destroy the qualities that most define you. They’ll play games, often refusing intimacy when you want it, or demanding it when you don’t.  They will begin to ruin important events where they aren’t the center of attention.  For instance, they might call off Christmas due to a petty argument they initiated, or they might intentionally sabotage your birthday.  Narcissists are incapable of allowing anyone else to share the spot light.

Narcissists often end up creating trauma around the holidays for their spouse and family members, as well as any other important day that doesn’t center around the narcissist.  They take pleasure in destroying things that matter to others, because it makes the narcissist feel powerful and in control.

Narcissists are sadists.  An obvious tell of the narcissist’s sadism can be seen in their facial expressions when they’re hurting others.  Oftentimes, narcissists can’t help but grin, when they’re cutting you down, or breaking up with you.  They often become cruel when feeling challenged.  One example of this could be you getting a raise, which gives you a higher salary than the narcissist, which hurts their ego; so to punish you, the narcissist will pick a fight about how you work too much at your celebratory dinner.

Overtime, you’ll see the abuse cycle begin. Narcissists often pull from the various abuses found in the Wheel of Power and Control.  If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, it is abusive and you should leave, because it always gets worse.  Domestic violence never moves backwards, it only becomes more extreme and dangerous.

If you continue to stay with the narcissist, they will cause you brain damage.  The constant gaslighting, lying, and DARVO-ing, and their unpredictability causes narcissistic abuse victims’ brains to look similar to someone with borderline personality disorder; this is because narcissistic abuse makes the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze) becomes over reactive, while the hippocampus (logical and reasoning center) begins to atrophy the longer you stay in the relationship.