If you choose to stay together, how do you recover and come out stronger?
The Gottman Method, a popular research-based approach to couples therapy, breaks down the process of how to reconnect after an affair into three main steps: atonement, attunement, and attachment.
First and foremost, the cheater must express regret and remorse. According to the Gottman Method, it’s necessary for the cheater accept the blame. “Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair,” writes John Gottman, psychologist and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, in his book What Makes Love Last?
During this same process, the cheater needs to become more aware of their needs and vulnerabilities. Oftentimes the affair occurs as a way for the cheater to meet their unrecognized needs.
In the book, Gottman also recommends that those desiring to continue in a monogamous relationship establish the “no second chance” rule, which creates a huge disincentive for cheating again. This helps to give the victim back some of their power.
It’s important to decide what you’re comfortable with going forward and to establish firm boundaries that make your relationship a safe place for both partners.
In the second phase, partners begin to make each other a priority again. At this point, both partners can look at reestablishing what they want in a relationship and in each other.
Relationship expert Rachel Madorsky, LCSW, explains that once you’ve decided to move forward together, “it’s important that both people begin to look at how they co-created the relationship and subsequently the affair. Once you’ve done this, miracles begin to take place.”
The idea isn’t to blame the person who experienced the betrayal but rather to examine the problems that happened between the two people in the relationship that preceded the affair since it’s easy to allow the affair to eclipse all else that happened prior to it.
“Cheaters are not necessarily looking for someone else; they are looking to become someone else,” Dr. Tammy Nelson, psychotherapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of When You’re the One Who Cheats, writes at mbg. “A person may be cheating because they like who they are when they’re with their affair partner. They might feel sexier, smarter, more charming, and more alive when they cheat. With their spouse at home, they might feel invisible, dull, boring, or old. An affair can counteract a person’s negative self-talk, through no fault of their partner.”
The events and context that led up to an affair don’t excuse the cheating, but they do offer clarity as to why it happened—and a path forward toward healing for both parties.
With that in mind, an important part of the attunement phase is each person regaining trust and unconditional positive regard for the other. Harville Hendrix, relationship psychologist and creator of Imago Relationships Therapy (another popular couples therapy method), recommends one great exercise for rebuilding trust in his book Getting the Love You Want: Each person writes down 20 small acts of kindness they would like their partner to do for them. These can include giving small gifts such as flowers, writing love notes, spending quality time together making breakfast, trying a new restaurant, or cuddling in bed on a Sunday. Once each person has their wish list, they exchange them and attempt to perform one of these acts a day for their partner. Over time, these acts of kindness help couples to rebuild rapport and trust. Slowly they can begin to appreciate and enjoy each other again, even it feels forced in the beginning.
For the person who was cheated on, Madorsky says that learning to trust your partner again can be difficult, but it can also be empowering: “When you don’t own how much power you have in your life, you’re left to feel like a victim. It actually feels better to trust than not to trust. So as long each partner is committed and taking positive action, consider giving yourself the gift of trusting again.”
As you begin rebuilding your relationship during this phase, David Ley, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Cheat and the Men Who Love Them, stresses the importance of avoiding online discussion groups about cheating. “Like the rest of the Internet, they tend to be filled with angry, toxic people who are gleeful when your relationship ends in the same flames of rage that torched their own,” he writes.
He also warns against lie detector tests: “There is unfortunately a steady business out there that promotes the idea that ‘this is only way you’ll ever really be able to trust your partner again.’ Those tests are invalid and merely breed greater antagonism and one-sided coercion.”
Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of the affair, Ley says it’s better to shift your focus onto the good times you’ve shared in the past and all the new ones you’ll find together in the future.
NOTE: Sara originally wrote this article for Mind Body Green. You can see it here.
Once you’ve begun to feel positive toward your partner again, you can begin to work toward the future and regaining your intimate connection. Because healthy sex is based on a strong emotional connection, you want to get to know your partner again only after attunement has taken place.
“It’s important to remember that recovering from infidelity requires us to be able to understand and recognize our own sexual and intimacy needs, and to communicate them to our partner, listening to them, and respecting them as they do the same to us,” Dr. Ley writes.
One exercise that works to help develop and deepen emotional intimacy involves answering that popular series of questions developed by Dr. Arthur Aron and prominently featured in the New York Times‘ Modern Love section. By taking a romantic evening and answering these questions together, you reacquaint yourself with who your partner has become. This exercise can be particularly powerful for couples that have been together for many years.
(If you want more ideas, here are five other ways to connect with your partner again.)
While working through these steps of recovery, it’s also important to continue having fun. “It’s OK to compartmentalize the affair during this process and have fun together, as long as you’re committed to handling the issues,” Madorsky says. “In fact, by having fun together, you can begin to heal more quickly.”
Once you’ve achieved the three steps of atonement, attunement, and attachment, you can begin moving forward on looking toward your future.
In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman outlines the Sound Relationship House theory, which features seven relationship “levels.” The top two layers, accessible only after moving through and managing conflicts like affairs, are “making life dreams come true” and “creating shared meaning.” During this period of meaning-making, couples can begin to determine what they want to be important to them as a couple moving forward. For instance, your shared goals might include international travel, creating a business together, or starting a family. You might want to begin by planning a vacation, giving yourselves something to look forward to and enjoy, and continue building from there.
For couples who’ve suffered from an affair, making plans for a future together is the ultimate marker of reconnection. It takes time to get to that place, but if you slowly and intentionally move through each stage of the recovery process, you can access this place of union and commitment once again.
Adventurous sex is no longer taboo or uncommon—on the contrary, it’s actually a perfectly healthy way to explore one’s sexuality, as long as you’re being safe about it.
A particularly popular form of kink is BDSM, which refers to bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. Over one-third of women and men in America have explored BDSM, and there is now scientific evidence that proves BDSM can be a healthy part of any relationship. In a recent study, BDSM practitioners were found to be less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, and less sensitive to rejection, and they had a higher subjective well-being.
While this is good news, it’s still important to keep in mind some key factors for maintaining your physical and mental health when incorporating BDSM into your sex life, especially if you’re experimenting with it for the first time.
The practice of BDSM physiologically triggers many of the same hormones that sky diving and other extreme sports may invoke. In particular, the stress hormone cortisol is often released, particularly by the receiver of the sensations, which helps to turn off the executive functioning area of the brain leading to feelings of euphoria and increased partner connection.
Heather McPherson, certified sex therapist and CEO of the Sexual Health Alliance (as well as my professional mentor), describes this state as “subspace.” “Subspace is a state that some players attempt to accomplish, where you can tolerate more pain and sensation than usual,” she explains. “Experienced players often call it, ‘flying.'” These are the feelings that often tend to make couples feel more bonded following a session.
Unfortunately, the flip side of this euphoria is all too common in the hours and days following an intense experience, especially for those on the receiving end. For those new to BDSM with a history of anxiety and depression, this is an important fact to keep in mind. In addition to the increase in cortisol, participants have also had an increase in endorphins, which bind to the opiate receptors. The steep drop-off in these chemicals can create a state referred to as the “sub drop.”
Sex therapist and erotica writer Dr. Donna Jennings explains that sub drop follows the “endorphin release after a BDSM scene, where the body works to move back to a normal chemical state.” She says that chemical drop can create both a physical and emotional reaction. Physically, a person can feel fatigue, aches, and pains. Emotionally, McPherson adds, a person can experience a range of emotions including “sadness, numbness, disconnection, guilt, or shame.”
Unfortunately, for those new to BDSM, sub drop can often get misinterpreted and misattributed to other aspects of the participant’s life and relationship.
By understanding what happens in the mind and body during a BDSM session, you can better prepare for the intense psychological ups and downs.
According to certified sex coach Ginger Hart, it’s best to mentally prepare ahead of time. Hart says there are two distinct phases people go through when they first begin exploring BDSM: the curious state and the adventurous state.
“The curious state is all about watching, learning, and gathering information to figure out what you’d like to explore, which builds confidence and excitement,” Hart explains. “This state is fragile, and [people] should consider adopting the mantra, ‘I would like to watch. I’m not ready to play.'”
She says that those new to BDSM shouldn’t move from the curious phase to the adventurous state until “they feel secure in their desires and are able to articulate and define personal boundaries.”
Once you’ve engaged in a session, you and your partner should participate in what’s referred to as “aftercare” to help prevent and subvert negative feelings associated with sub drops. In aftercare, usually the dominant partner takes care of the sub by participating in caretaking activities. These might include one partner holding and caressing the other, falling asleep in each other’s arms, giving a massage, running a bubble bath, or cooking their favorite meal following an intense scene. Participants can also plan to have self-care activities after they play to lessen the effects of sub drop (or top drop, which can also happen). Aftercare following a BDSM session should also help to increase the bond between partners.
If for some reason your partner is not offering you this type of care after your play session, you can still practice self-care on your own, including eating your favorite foods and indulging in your favorite Netflix shows—especially those that make you laugh.
While BDSM might not be for everyone, McPherson explains, “This area of practice does contain great risks and rewards.” Counter to what you might expect, “for those with sexual anxiety, they can feel relief and comfort in BDSM play because it requires in-depth communication about what might happen as well as negotiation about what will happen and what they do not want to happen, which can calm nerves.”
Once you’ve decided to try out BDSM for yourself, it’s important to properly educate yourself and to listen to your partner.
“The key to safely expanding and exploring new areas of sexuality such as BDSM is to be aware of your own needs and desires, as well as those of your partner,” Hart says, “and to know when to push forward and when to remain curious.”
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I'm an Austin, Texas based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate. I was born and raised right here in Austin. I completed my Master's in Counseling from St. Edward's University.
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