Part 3: Advice and Techniques for Understanding and Coping with the Narcissist in Your Life
Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT contributed to Mind Body Green’s article, “How to Deal with the Narcissist in your Life, According to Experts,” originally published on October 20th, 2024. Below is Sloan’s content and article summary.
Narcissistic relationships in the devaluation phase can end at any moment. So, the best thing you can do is to begin to create a safety net for yourself for when the end occurs. The more you can educate yourself on narcissism, the easier it will be to understand what will come next, as well as what you’ve been through.
Unfortunately, the narcissist often has a sixth sense for when you’re done. Sometimes they will lean back into the love bombing stage in order to pull you back into the relationship. So, if you’d been begging them to take a trip, they’ll book a romantic vacation to Tahiti. If you’ve been begging them for intimacy, you’ll suddenly be having sex again every night. If they catch on that you’re out, they’ll do anything to reel you back in.
Once they feel unstable, though, many narcissists will begin to plan their exit at your expense. Narcissists are unable to be alone, so they will get on the dating apps without telling you. Sometimes you’ll learn that the narcissist has been cheating throughout the entire relationship, which is often the case, even though they will tell you otherwise. Narcissists need supply and you will never be enough, because no one will be enough to fill the empty hole inside them.
Usually, the narcissist will begin a smear campaign against you, before you know what’s happening. They will employ people close to you to keep tabs on what you’re doing, which we often refer to as “Flying Monkeys.” They will talk to your friends, their friends, anyone they worry about their opinion, to make sure their story is the dominant one. Many will cry crocodile tears to others and blame their behavior on you. So if they were the one that cheated, they will accuse you of being the cheater.
Once they begin their attack, the best thing you can do is grey rock. Grey rocking means going flat, showing no emotion, saying as few words as possible. The feed on the emotions they create, so don’t give it to them. Remember, never feed the emotional vampires!
If you have shared housing with the narcissist, make sure you have a place to stay and escape to, if things get bad. Once things are over, you’ll often see a side of the narcissist that you’ve never encountered. That alone can be so startling, it often makes you question yourself, which is exactly what they want.
If you’ve been sharing a bank account, make sure you open one in your name, and get a credit card of your own. It’s also important to run a credit check, because oftentimes narcissists may have opened cards in your name.
Make sure you explain to your friends and family what’s been going on. Don’t feel ashamed, narcissists can trick even the best therapists when they put on their charm. You were chosen by the narcissist because of how amazing you are, so don’t allow the narcissist to make you question your value.
The best thing you can do once you realize you’re with a narcissist is to prepare to leave by gettin your finances in order, letting your support circle know what’s going on, and finding a therapist skilled in narcissistic abuse recovery.
