Tag: narcissistic abuse

Autism Communication Couples Therapy domestic violence Narcissism Neurodiversity Sex Therapy Therapy • • • • • • • • By Sara Sloan 0 Comments

Research Shows Narcissistic Abusers Think the Same as Pedophiles

Don Hennessy is a therapist and domestic violence (DV) specialist, who has studied abusive men and their victims for almost forty years in Ireland, where 25% of romantic relationships involve DV. He is currently working on a new book based upon his years of research, which he spoke about on Kerry McAvoy’s Podcast: Breaking Free From Narcissistic Abuse.

In a lot of literature on narcissistic abusive men, there has been a primary focus on their narcissism being the driving force motivating their abuse.  Hennessy explains that while these men are narcissistic, narcissism isn’t what drives the abuse — it’s their need to be sexually dominant.

They noticed that as the abusive men began to talk to one another, this made the study more dangerous for their female partners.  The reason being, those men who physically abused their partners got in trouble with the law, which held them accountable.  In speaking to the other abusers, they learned how to be controlling, manipulative, and bullying in ways that could evade the law.  In addition, they noted that so long as the women submitted to them sexually, there was no problem.  It was only when the women refused the men’s sexual interest that the abuse picked up.

Hennessy begins by explaining that the first two things abusive men look for in a victim is kindness and honesty.  The kindness makes women more likely to give a man the benefit of the doubt, and their honesty makes them unlikely to see the abuse for what it is.  They cited that 9 out of 10 autistic girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18, which illustrates this concept, since many ASD women are both exceptionally kind, honest, and are already part of a vulnerable population.

Hennessy also found that abusive men in his study used the same tactics and showed the same kinds of thinking as pedophiles from an adjacent study out of the UK. Both prioritize sexual access and sexual dominance over their victims. Since pedophiles are all psychopaths, it makes me wonder if NPD abuse stems from psychopathy and sexual entitlement.

He also emphasized that victims in these cases never understood what happened to them, and always blamed themselves.  Hennessy sought to answer the question as to how abusers gained intimate access to their victims; they did so by carefully studying what’s important to them, past hurts, and their underlying psychology.  After the abusers gained their victims trust, they used their prior knowledge to make victims believe the abuse was their fault.

So, it turns out abusive men and pedophiles operate using the same play book; the only difference between them are the age of their victims.

Couples Therapy divorce Individual Treatment Infidelity Narcissism • • • • • • By Sara Sloan 0 Comments

Advice on Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is brutal, there’s really no way around it.  Divorce often destabilizes the narcissist’s fragile sense of self, which can sometimes result in a narcissistic collapse, which is dangerous for their partner.  If it’s possible, it can be good to see if you can get the narcissist’s buy in, so that eventually they may believe the divorce was their idea. Narcissists can’t handle the rejection, which will make you enemy number one.  They often split on people, similar to borderline personality disorder, where the narcissist turns their partner from all good to all bad.  In other words, you’re either for them or against them, they can’t tolerate anything in the middle.

So, before letting the narcissist know your plans, it’s best to get ahead of things.  It’s important to make sure you have the money ready for first and last months rent way before you need it, as well as money to retain a good divorce attorney that is well versed in narcissism, as well as any incidentals, until you can get temporary orders in place.

If you own property/a home together, do not be the first one to move out, otherwise many states may consider that abandonment, which could cost you in the long run. If you need to move out due to domestic violence (DV), make sure you log any past DV with a family doctor or law enforcement.  This evidence will be important to you, especially if you go to court.

Take care of any family heirlooms or other sentimental pieces.  Move them out of the home and into a safe place, so the narcissist can’t retaliate by destroying them.  It’s not uncommon in divorcing a narcissist, for them to try to take or destroy anything you care about, simply so you don’t get to have it.

If you have children, make sure you find  a good family therapist that is familiar with narcissism and isn’t afraid to take sides in court.  Many therapists refuse to take sides, which allows the court to assume both sides are equal, which down plays the reality of the situation.  Unfortunately, many therapists fear a narcissist’s retaliation, which is not unfounded.

A good rule of thumb is to delete anything on your phone or any other electronic device that you don’t want being read aloud in court, because once you’ve filed for divorce, deleting information after filing can get you in trouble with the judge.

It’s important that you get copies of your past tax returns and any other financial information before you file, so that money doesn’t disappear without a history to track it.

If you suspect your narcissistic partner is cheating, or if they’ve accused you of cheating, it’s worth checking your bank statements for evidence. It’s incredibly common for narcissistic men to go to strip clubs, massage parlors with happy endings, sugar babies and sex workers in general.  To catch this, look for sums of $200, $1000, and $2000, usually pulled from an ATM usually after midnight or 2:00am.  Then, call the number attached to find the location of the ATM, which will often be at the establishment in question (strip club, massage parlor, hotel). If you can prove that the funds were used for one of these purposes, the money spent will go into your financial column at the end of the divorce.

Make sure that if you have to cohabitate for any period of time after deciding to divorce, sleep with a good lock on your door.  Domestic violence is most likely to happen during this period, before you’ve fully separated.  It’s not worth the risk. If the narcissist tries to break down the door, immediately call 911, so there will be a record of this behavior.  A witness is necessary.  Otherwise, if there isn’t concrete evidence (like a recording, an email, or a third party reference), it didn’t happen according to family court.

Couples Therapy Infidelity Narcissism Stress Therapy • • • • • By Sara Sloan 0 Comments

Part 3: Advice and Techniques for Understanding and Coping with the Narcissist in Your Life

Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT contributed to Mind Body Green’s article, “How to Deal with the Narcissist in your Life, According to Experts,” originally published on October 20th, 2024. Below is Sloan’s content and article summary.

Narcissistic relationships in the devaluation phase can end at any moment.  So, the best thing you can do is to begin to create a safety net for yourself for when the end occurs.  The more you can educate yourself on narcissism, the easier it will be to understand what will come next, as well as what you’ve been through.

Unfortunately, the narcissist often has a sixth sense for when you’re done.  Sometimes they will lean back into the love bombing stage in order to pull you back into the relationship.  So, if you’d been begging them to take a trip, they’ll book a romantic vacation to Tahiti.  If you’ve been begging them for intimacy, you’ll suddenly be having sex again every night.  If they catch on that you’re out, they’ll do anything to reel you back in.

Once they feel unstable, though, many narcissists will begin to plan their exit at your expense.  Narcissists are unable to be alone, so they will get on the dating apps without telling you.  Sometimes you’ll learn that the narcissist has been cheating throughout the entire relationship, which is often the case, even though they will tell you otherwise. Narcissists need supply and you will never be enough, because no one will be enough to fill the empty hole inside them.

Usually, the narcissist will begin a smear campaign against you, before you know what’s happening. They will employ people close to you to keep tabs on what you’re doing, which we often refer to as “Flying Monkeys.”  They will talk to your friends, their friends, anyone they worry about their opinion, to make sure their story is the dominant one.  Many will cry crocodile tears to others and blame their behavior on you.  So if they were the one that cheated, they will accuse you of being the cheater.

Once they begin their attack, the best thing you can do is grey rock.  Grey rocking means going flat, showing no emotion, saying as few words as possible.  The feed on the emotions they create, so don’t give it to them. Remember, never feed the emotional vampires!

If you have shared housing with the narcissist, make sure you have a place to stay and escape to, if things get bad. Once things are over, you’ll often see a side of the narcissist that you’ve never encountered.  That alone can be so startling, it often makes you question yourself, which is exactly what they want.

If you’ve been sharing a bank account, make sure you open one in your name, and get a credit card of your own.  It’s also important to run a credit check, because oftentimes narcissists may have opened cards in your name.

Make sure you explain to your friends and family what’s been going on.  Don’t feel ashamed, narcissists can trick even the best therapists when they put on their charm.  You were chosen by the narcissist because of how amazing you are, so don’t allow the narcissist to make you question your value.

The best thing you can do once you realize you’re with a narcissist is to prepare to leave by gettin your finances in order, letting your support circle know what’s going on, and finding a therapist skilled in narcissistic abuse recovery.

 

Individual Treatment Narcissism Stress • • • By Sara Sloan 0 Comments

Part 1: Advice and Techniques for Dealing and Coping with the Narcissist in Your Life

Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT contributed to Mind Body Green’s article, “How to Deal with the Narcissist in your Life, According to Experts,” originally published on October 20th, 2024. Below is Sloan’s content and article summary.

We hear the term “narcissist” constantly now in the media, and the truth is we all display some narcissistic traits.  However, what separates you from a narcissist is that your traits my show up under duress, or only in certain specific situations, whereas a narcissist’s traits are pathological and operating all the time.

If we examine the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they break down into two major types of Narcissism: grandiose/malignant and covert/vulnerable.  Sometimes individuals with these traits may overlap.  In a grandiose/malignant narcissist, they’ll often seek out admiration, always needing to be first and the best in any situation; by comparison, a malignant narcissist seeks your pity, often playing the victim, especially the hero-victim whenever possible.

All narcissists expect special treatment and all have the ability drain the energy from those around them.  Narcissists are emotional vampires, and expert manipulators.  They live in their own reality and expect those around them to conform to it accordingly.  You can tell when a narcissist is trying to pull you into their false version of reality, because it creates an emotional vertigo, which makes it hard to know what to believe.  Narcissists create this confusion in order to gain control of you and any situation.

Other traits you’ll often find in a narcissist include, but certainly aren’t limited to:

  1. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self, similar to a chihuahua that sees themselves as a doberman
  2. Narcissists always speak with conviction, convinced that they’re right, and that they know what they’re talking about
  3. Narcissists constantly seek out adoration, attention, sexual attention, and any kind of external validation
  4. Narcissists carry a sense of entitlement, which they think should give them special access, special privileges, and the ability to be the exception to any rule.
  5. Narcissists are willing to manipulate, exploit, and control others for their own personal gain.
  6. Narcissists have grandiose fantasies that place them far above their own abilities in life.  They expect to be the CEO, have the biggest home, or the most attractive wife, etc.  Everything about the narcissist and what they touch or are involved in has to be the best.
  7. Narcissists are jealous of those that have more than they do, or those that have something they want for themselves (money, beauty, friends, spouse).  Everything is a competition to the narcissist that they must win.
  8. Narcissists use others to advance their own interests.
  9. Narcissists use DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) in any argument.
  10. Narcissists lack self awareness, because they can’t see outside of themselves, their wants, or their desires, and how they effect others around them.
  11. Narcissists often blow up and get mean when criticized.

Not all narcissists will have all of these traits, but they should have enough that it negatively impairs their life and their relationships.

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